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at about 11:00 on May 26th last year, the mobile phone pushed a piece of bad news:

in the early morning of the same day, Haifeng, a well-known music producer, "took a leap and ended his life" at the age of 40.

before I opened the article, I was struck: maybe another depressed patient has died.

one of the common manifestations of depression is depression in the early morning, self-remorse, inferiority and self-loathing is more serious.

his most recent post on Weibo stayed on November 27th, 2020.

the theme is to talk about music with his friend Yang Peian.

the last sentence is: take a MV.

after the news came out, Yang Peian confirmed in a post:

"my MV will shoot next month." How could you just leave? "

words are full of grief, shock and regret.

many post-80s friends may have an impression of this "big-headed" boy with glasses.

in 2009, Haifeng became the lead singer of the popular variety show "I Love remembering lyrics" on a satellite TV.

this is a program that puts karaoke on TV, known as the "National Karaoke Club", which makes countless song lovers with five tones and plain appearance sing happily on the stage.

programs are popular all over the country, and there are countless people waiting to be broadcast every weekend.

and Haifeng is one of the six "super lead singers" in the heyday of the show.

his voice is clear, he sings well, he plays the keyboard well, and he can put forward "academic" suggestions to the contestants.

was once the idol of many fans of "Love to remember lyrics". Haifeng is not only a lead singer, but also good at writing.

the theme song "Hope is ahead" of "I like to remember the lyrics" is his handwriting.

by looking at the title of the song, you can know that it is inspirational music that makes people's blood boil. However, Haifeng, which writes such a sunny melody, has been suffering from depression for a long time. It hurts.

this type of depression is called "smiling depression".

they tend to be sharp, kind and willing to help friends, and they are very popular.

his new song "do you remember" is composed by Haifeng.

moreover, Haifeng has always instructed Yang Peian on how to interpret songs and is concerned about his MV creation.

but because of the sense of shame or unwillingness to worry the people around them, they are often very good at "pretending" to be sunny and outgoing.

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therefore, their pain is the most difficult for outsiders to detect, and their inner depression is far more serious than other patients with depression.

this type of depression also has the highest suicide rate.

your well-known brother Zhang Guorong is a patient of this type of depression.

after the popularity of the program "I Love remembering lyrics", Haifeng's popularity soared.

in 2018, Haifeng exposed that he had a good life on the program.

when the bad news came, people who knew Haifeng expressed regret, regret and nostalgia one after another.

in his last message, more and more friends came to bid farewell.

Yang Yiba, the choreographer and director of I Love to remember the lyrics, learned that Haifeng had died at two o'clock in the morning and kept crying until noon, saying:

"you just left. I think you must regret it. You must be out of control and impulsive."

Yang Yiba mourned the long article on Weibo, referring to Haifeng's character:

"hypocritical, obsessive, shy and self-abased."

this is almost one of the most common images of people with depression in the eyes of normal people.

care about everyone around you, care about the eyes of the world.

but shy and self-abased at the same time. This is easy to make people feel hypocritical, and even they will say so about themselves.

excluding genetic factors, if a person behaves like this in reality, he must have experienced numerous hardships along the way.

Haifeng, whose real name is Liu Haifeng.

was born in Jingdezhen, Jiangxi Province in 1981.

my parents work in the Beijing Opera Troupe. When they were young, their parents were emotionally discordant and conflicted.

in the second year of junior high school, my parents divorced, my life was in turmoil, and my grades plummeted.

Haifeng dropped out of school the following year, and his parents relied on their connections to send him to the song and dance troupe class and embarked on the art career.

after the parents divorced, they were busy with their work and neglected to look after and care for them.

and these two selfish people, the divorce agreement says: the children each take turns to take care of them for a month.

"taking care of each other in turn means that there is no one to take care of them!" Haifeng always thought that he was a child abandoned by his parents.

Children in such families, if they are not psychologically counseled properly, will think that their own existence is the reason for the discord between their parents.

coupled with the lack of family affection, it is easy to form a contradictory character.

on the one hand, try to save the family (and other social relations) through desperate performance and ingratiation.

on the other hand, my heart is extremely scarce and disappointed. I want to escape from my family and find myself in society.

at the age of 15, the rebellious Haifeng ran away from home.

from wandering in Jingdezhen to Nanchang, I became a stray singer in a bar.

lives in a cheap basement, and even the glass is leaky..

and often eat the last meal without the next meal.

there are places to sing, and there are still hundreds of yuan a month to eat.

there is no place to sing, so you can only stand up for 5 yuan a day.

in addition to economic distress, ruthless relatives and social beatings, the young singer Haifeng has also tasted all the sufferings of the world.

when I had no money to eat, I plucked up the courage to reach out to my mother, and my mother replied coldly, no.

the rental house has been stolen, and the CD player that has been saved for a long time has disappeared.

I happily received my salary, but I was robbed on the road without covering the heat, and there was nothing left.

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it is even more common to be kicked off the stage by a guest, slapped by the boss in public, or even left by his girlfriend one by one.

"the world let me taste the cold all over the world, and I responded with a cold eye."

Haifeng once said to himself before his death:

at that time, I had big curly hair up to my waist, dressed in black, even my fingernails were painted black, wore exaggerated silver rings, and looked at people as if they owed me money.

A cramped wandering life is nothing but tears, only music.

Haifeng vent in music, but also get comfort in music.

gradually, people in the world began to appreciate his talents.

in 1999, Haifeng met his boss Zhang Zheng.

Zhang Zheng often said later that Haifeng was a homeless orphan I "picked up".

Haifeng said, that's right. At that time, I was a mess.

with the help of dignitaries, Haifeng's life has been relatively stable since then, and his career has been hanging up all the way. Unfortunate children, as long as they get a little spark, they will gush out infinite kindness.

his style of music has changed greatly ever since. Although it is still sensitive and delicate, the theme is more positive and sunny.

treat the people around you the same way.

years of wandering have made him accumulate rich acting experience and have more feelings about life and life. All these became his creative inspiration.

Fang Wenshan, the imperial lyricist of Jay Chou, once spoke highly of Haifeng's musical talent.

in more than a decade, in 2012, an old friend met him and already looked like this:

he wears a white shirt and glasses, and the eyes behind his glasses are a little shy, and he looks like a scholar.

my friend wrote happily:

in front of the peak, eyes are determined, smiling, bright and healthy.

it is said that "unfortunate people spend their whole lives curing childhood."

this is the case with Haifeng.

but he still failed.

so far, I haven't seen any more news.

I don't know what Haifeng said to himself and to the world before making the final decision.

it has been reported that Haifeng has a wife and children.

but he protects his family's privacy very well.

after learning the news of Haifeng's death, many people wrote: I hope that when everyone works hard, they should also care about their mental health.

sentence is true, but for people with depression, it is true and useless.

patients who are in a state of depression need help to accept and listen, not "how to." Chicken soup or something like that.

probably many people will also feel that when people reach middle age and have a wife and children, it is irresponsible to commit suicide.

however, people with depression often choose to destroy themselves because of the pressure of perfectionism and a strong sense of responsibility.

Haifeng, which has experienced many hardships in life, is not knocked down by misfortune, but chooses to die when life and career are stable.

I think that in the early hours of this morning, most of his painful memories came to mind uncontrollably.

at that moment, I was tired of myself and the world.

this is not only a common pathological manifestation of depression, but also a memory attack in adulthood for unfortunate people in childhood.

and the early morning is the bunker of our soul, the most vulnerable time.

perhaps, what I can remind you is:

if sadness and melancholy start to hit you late at night and in the early hours of the morning, tell yourself to give up resistance and let tears flow.

but don't make any realistic decisions.

if you receive a sad phone call late at night and in the early morning, no matter who the call is, remember to whisper:

"Hello, take your time. I'm listening."